Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s something

about my divorce being finalized this week that gives me perspective

of things I wish I would have done different… After losing

a woman that I loved, and a marriage of almost 16 years,

here’s the advice I wish I would have had:

 

1. Never stop courting. Never stop dating. NEVER EVER

take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you,

you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART

and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred

treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU.

Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love.

 

2. Protect your own heart. Just as you committed to being the

protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same

vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a

special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your

wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite

her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.

 

3. Fall in love over and over again. You will constantly change.

You’re not the same people you were when you got married,

and in five years you will not be the same person you are today.

Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other

everyday. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if

you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone

else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back.

Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.

 

4. Always see the best in her. Focus only on what you love.

What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you,

all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love,

you can’t help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where

you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt

 that you are the luckiest man on earth to have this woman as your wife.

 

5. It’s not your job to change or fix her… your job is to love

her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she

changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.

 

6. Take full accountability for your own emotions: It’s not your

wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad.

You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through

that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.

 

7. Never blame your wife if you get frustrated or angry at her,

it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU.

They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility. When you

feel those feelings, take time to get present and to look within and

understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed.

You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best

suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way

 so that you could heal them. When you heal yourself, you will no longer

be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.

 

8. Allow your woman to just be. When she’s sad or upset,

it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know

it’s ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she’s important and

that you are that pillar on which she can always lean. The feminine spirit

is about change and emotion, and like a storm her emotions will roll in

and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and

open her soul to you… DON’T RUN AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET.

Stand present and strong, and let her know you aren’t going anywhere.

Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.

 

9. Be silly… don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh.

And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.

 

10. Fill her soul everyday… learn her love languages and the

specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED.

Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize

those things and make it a priority everyday to make her feel like a queen.

 

11. Be present. Give her not only your time, but your focus,

your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head

so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her

as you would your most valuable client. She is.

 

12. Be willing to take her sexually, to carry her away in the power

of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with

your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul.

Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.

 

13. Don’t be an idiot… And don’t be afraid of being one either.

You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too

big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re

not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.

 

14. Give her space… The woman is so good at giving and giving,

and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture

herself. Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and

find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come

back with new songs to sing…. (okay, getting a little too poetic here,

but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY

after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get re-centred,

and to find herself after she gets lost in serving you, the kids and the world.)

 

15. Be vulnerable… you don’t have to have it all together. Be willing

to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.

 

16. Be fully transparent. If you want to have trust you must be

willing to share EVERYTHING… Especially those things you don’t

want to share. It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your heart

and let her in when you don’t know if she will like what she finds…

Part of that courage is allowing her to love you completely, your

darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK… If you feel like

you need to wear a mask around her, and show up perfect all the time,

you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.

 

17. Never stop growing together… The stagnant pond breeds

malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is

the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is

if you stop working on your relationship. Find common

goals, dreams and visions to work towards.

 

18. Don’t worry about money. Money is a game, find ways

to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates

fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons’ strength to win.

 

19. Forgive immediately and focus on the future rather than

carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you

hostage. Holding on to past mistakes that either you or she makes,

is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back.

FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.

 

20. Always choose love. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE.

In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding

principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that

will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.

 

In the end marriage isn’t about happily ever after.

It’s about work. And a commitment to grow together and a

willingness to continually invest in creating something that can

endure eternity. Through that work, the happiness will come. Marriage

is life, and it will bring ups and downs. Embracing all of the cycles and

learning to learn from and love each experience will bring the strength

and perspective to keep building, one brick at a time.

 

These are lessons I learnt the hard way. These are lessons I learnt too late.

But these are lessons I am learning and committed in carrying forward.

Truth is, I loved being married, and in time, I will get married again,

and when I do, I will build it with a foundation that will

endure any storm and any amount of time.

 

If you are reading this and find wisdom in my pain, share it with those young

husbands whose hearts are still full of hope, and with those couples you know

who may have forgotten how to love. One of those men may be like I was,

and in these hard earned lessons perhaps something will awaken in him and

he will learn to be the man his lady has been waiting for.

 

MEN- THIS IS YOUR CHARGE: Commit to being an EPIC LOVER.

There is no greater challenge, and no greater prize. Your woman deserves

that. Be the type of husband your wife can’t help but brag about.